Jay Marcyes

Hollywood has stabbed me in the back again. They do this to me every year, yet I keep coming back for more. The Christmas season is a big time for me--while most people get excited about Christmas and spending time with the family--I get excited about the big summer movie DVD releases (I love you mom and dad. Can't wait to come home!). Hollywood first got me two years ago with Van Helsing and The Chronicles of Riddick. Last year they nailed me with The Fantastic Four, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and War of the Worlds.

But, being ever the optimist, I was sure it would be different this year. After all, Hollywood wouldn't jam that knife in my back for a third consecutive year. Alas, no, this year they even twisted the knife a little with the recent release of Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest and Miami Vice. I don't know why I let them toy with my emotions like this. I need to break my dependency on Hollywood for visual entertainment since every year I look forward to watching the big summer movies I neglected in the theaters, and every year I wonder how these movies even got greenlighted.

My time wasn't completely wasted though. Miami Vice has solidified Jamie Foxx's entry into the elite club of Academy Award winners that can't make a decent movie after winning the coveted little golden statue. Jamie is joining such notable former A-listers as Halle Berry, Ben Affleck, and Kevin Costner. Stealth secured his nomination. Miami Vice assured his entry. Congratulations Jamie, this reward is well deserved.

Seriously though, if I sat down with a pen and paper with the specific goal to write the worst movie known to man. I wouldn't have arrived at Miami vice. I am left wondering if stars get different movie scripts in the mail--scripts with explanations, annotations, descriptions, good dialog, and a plot--than the scripts they eventually use to actually film the movie. I can't imagine any sane actor reading the script for Miami Vice and thinking, "I have to make this movie!" The plot (if there was one) made absolutely no sense. At least I was distracted from the lack of a plot by trying to understand what Collin Farrel and Gong Li were even saying--Colin Ferrel because he faked some horrible southern accent in what I am guessing was a poor attempt to cover up his true accent; Gong Li because she evidently doesn't speak English very well.

And don't get me started on Gong and Collin's supposed "romance". It wasn't believable by any stretch of the imagination and proves, once again, that action writers couldn't write a credible love story to save their lives (prove me wrong, dammit!). While I bought Gong's performance in Memoirs of a Geisha, I felt she was a tad miscast as a seductive drug mistress whatever she was, I just didn't buy it at all. Dee gave her opinion of the movie by falling asleep about 20 minutes in and not even asking how the rest of the movie was when I awoke her at the end.

One last little nitpicky thing. I would like to say Miami Vice forwent plot and acting for non-stop over-the-top action and violence, but it didn't even have action. I was young when Miami Vice was on TV but I remember guns and shooting and stuff. This movie had one shootout--AT THE END. What is up with that? It isn't like they were cutting gun play for character development or an engrossing storyline or anything.

Miami Vice was bad, though I might not have been so angry about throwing away my rental dollars had Dee and I not just sat through Pirates of the Carribean: bored Dead Man's Chest.

Pirates is also joining the ranks of an elite club. A club consisting of the last two matrix movies, the last two Jurassic Park movies, and every Star Wars movie that isn't part of the original trilogy. That's right, Pirates is joining the sequels made only for profit club. Normally, at this moment I would blame the new director and the new writers for not being true to the genius that was the original movie. That didn't work in the case of the Matrix movies and it doesn't work here either (damn!), since the writers and directors are all the same.

I do, however, blame laziness. I think their reasoning behind not trying as hard after the first time is because the audience will go see the sequel no matter what because they liked the first one so much. Then, even though they might hate the sequel, they will go see the rest of the movies because they have already seen the first movies in the series and they might as well watch to the end. It is kind of like how I always get hooked into watching the end of Parental Control (bad website design warning) on MTV because I want to see if the kid stays with the boyfriend/girlfriend or choose someone else. Like Lemmings, we follow our favorite movie franchises right off the cliff of good franchise into the valley of mediocrity below.

I like Johnny Depp. He made the first Pirates movie downright watchable with plenty of humor and wit. He also made his character, Jack Sparrow, likable. However, all that has changed in the sequel. Jack Sparrow is a lowlife backstabbing two face possessing none of the redeeming qualities demonstrated in the first film, not even the sarcastic humor. Yet Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly keep mindlessly helping him with no thought to their own well-being, like lemmings to the slaughter, and I have no idea why. Jack Sparrow has become more like the friend you had in grade school that dares you to do things you would never do in any other circumstance, like stealing candy or something, and then runs away laughing when you get caught.

Also, Keira Knightly sudden attraction to Johnny Depp once again proves my theory that action writers can't write good (or remotely believable) love stories (I mean it, some writer needs to prove me wrong). Overall, the movie had none of the charm of the original and was probably the biggest movie disappointment of the year for me. Dee also decided that Davy Jones voice was not scary, to which I wholeheartedly agree. Villain's voices should entice fear in your heart, not make you giggle.

I am still holding out hope for Jet Li's Fearless. We'll see if Hollywood breaks their losing streak this year. But if I am disappointed, at least there is Christmas and the New Year to cheer me up.